Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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