Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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