Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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