How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Four minutes until I can fart!
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
How does one acquire holy water?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
