Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
