Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Just cropdusted the office
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
