I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
