just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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