Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
