This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
