I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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