god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
