I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
