I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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