do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
