the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
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