I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
