i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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