He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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