do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
