I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
