hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
