How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Randomize
