You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
