well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
