is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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