The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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