Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
