The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
