no, he came in my armpit
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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