Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
