I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
