I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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