this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
