covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
