i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
