I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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