this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
