ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
