drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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