I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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