jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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