it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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