on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
