Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
