erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
