I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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