Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize