I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Randomize
