its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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