I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
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