this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
What a dumb baby whore.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
