Your face is a jimmy john
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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