Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
