Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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