hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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