And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I stole a fireplace last night.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
