her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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