The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
